Hymns from A Winged Archer

I went to a Born-Again Service yesterday. I’ve been to two before, making yesterday my third. I woke up at 5am that morning, there was slight rain as I looked out my grandfather’s window. I got myself cleaned and prepped. I didn’t bother eating breakfast.  It should have been something I was prepared and used to by then; knowing what will happen and what follows next. But I was unusually excited.

Excited to go to mass?

I thought the only thing I looked forward to on Sunday was pasta.

I only had Php84.50 in my pocket that time. As I looked myself in the mirror, I computed the fare I am going to need for that trip.

7.00 for the Jeep
11.00 for the MRT
12.00 for the LRT2
7.00 for another jeep
10.00 for the trike.

that  made php47 total, 10 short of making it back. One way. I gave a sigh, telling myself that it may have been a one way trip after all. I checked my bag and I saw a shiny 5 peso coin in the deepest cavernous corner. That would have to do. I didn’t want to wake up anyone at that hour, closed the gate as the puppies looked on at me, then made my leave.

I promised her I would be early for today. I was reasonably tired from the game and from the trip from manila to Proj.6. Grandpa and I drank Portuguese red wine the night before as well. But I knew I had no excuse. I gave my word, and if in this occasion, I don’t pull thru, what more  about  my four year promise? I’d rather be dog tired and have a one way ticket and walk all the way back than go back on my word.

6:55am; LRT2 station, Kamuning.

The rain has stopped and I saw the sun rise as I left the Station. She said she was going to be early.  I stepped into a jeepney and went down at Robinson’s to take the trike to "the Bride of Christ". I was not sure whether or not I was in the right terminal, but being headstrong as I was, I went on ahead inside the trike. The driver was a lady, and I told her the place I wanted to go to. She was not sure where the street was, but we were mobile by the time she brought it to my attention. She didn’t know where the church was.

"….."

we passed by a street which I thought was named Ignacio Cruz, the street I was looking for, and called it to her attention. I stepped down at that corner. and paid 10 pesos. She asked for 15. I was already short, so what difference, i thought, did it make?

A walked further down the street to see the Church exactly where she described it to be. I entered the place to see people thrice my age busy like ants scurrying about. So I did what I thought was right: stay out of the limelight, take a corner seat and be unobstructive.

7:14; "Bride of Christ"

As I took my seat, A man approached me and shook my hand.

"Good morning, Brother"

"good morning", I replied.

He was a pastor in that Church, and he seemed quite interested in asking me questions regarding the Who’s, the what, the when, the where, and the Hows about me. It was a cordial discussion of me trying to satisfy his thirst, being inquisitive. Every time I answered his question, I looked around, specially at the door, to see if she has arrived.

"Are you Korean?"

Where do you live?"

"Are you Christian?"

In the end, out of my nature or boredom, I had more questions to ask him than vice-versa. I touched on religion, on faith, on salvation, but being sure not to be overly offensive in my questioning, since I saw he had difficulty answering them.

Then, she arrived, I still remember what she wore, to the color of the bag she carried. She sat down beside me, as my heart jumped, not trying to make it obvious.

She insisted sitting in front.

"I don’t want to"

"sige na!"

"eh…."

"Please?"

I came there for one reason, and one reason at all. For her. I told her that the night before when she told me not to go if I’m going simply for her sake. I said I would, and she had no say in that. But in my being there, something happens, it would be only between God and I,but because she was there.

"Sigh…. Fine."

8:00am.

The pastor gave a lecture on the tabernacle, something I took up in my years in  Christian schools, and something I was rather familiar with. There is nothing noteworthy about what took place, aside from seeing how dedicated she was to her cause.

Two guys then approached our row and sat down beside us. I got her attention to let her know her companions have arrived. The night before, She told me that one of her ex’s would be there as well. I wanted to see the type of man she was with, to see if I am at least any good to her. I couldn’t tell from the two who it could have been. both were clean cut, presentable and polite. Placed beside me, I didn’t feel insecure, but there was respect to them and to her that they were very decent men.

I was prepared.

I felt I was prepared.

But not for what happened next.

I saw it coming. She stood up, went to the altar, and with all her spirit and being, she sang. There is a warmth in the way she sang. The way the first rays of a sunrise touches your skin. It is gentle, but there is strength and beauty behind it. I closed my eyes to let her sink into my soul. but as soon as it started, it ended.

She began making her way back to our row, beside me, I gave her a big smile and clapped my hands softly to let her see how proud I am of her. I’m afraid she didn’t even notice.

A lady pastor then went for the podium. She then spoke of disease as if they were punishments for not acknowledging  God. I found that a tad offensive, not for my sake, but  for my mom’s. She was nothing but pious. How dare her…

But… She did say something striking. She talked about sin. She talked about regretting sin and all will be alright. There should be a call to virtue.

I thought to myself, I love a woman that could not love me back. Is that a sin? a sin to self? Can I call it virtue to wait for nothing? If it is a sin, it is a sin that I do not regret, and i will gladly take to the afterlife. But is it still virtue when your closest tell you that it is wrong to still pursue and ideal so next to impossible? No one ever said virtue was an easy thing. Even if the odds were a million to one, even a billion, at least i tried. Sin or virtue, it doesn’t matter. My heart beats and points to one direction: to her.

11:20am

The service ended and the people chatted with each other regarding their concerns and fond memories. I got to talk with the pastor and his wife, I believed I impressed them; but it was not them i wished to impress.

She was talking with her church peers and she looked lovely just standing there. I couldn’t take it anymore, and I stood up and went to the opposite side of the Church, to at least, at least take her off my mind.

I began reading their posters to let my mind drift to a change of pace when her familiar voice changed the silence. I couldn’t look more stupid or ridiculous, the way  I responded. She asked how the service was. I said it was Okay.

Just ok??! it was mind blowing!!! I thought to myself.

Prob’ly Surprised by my answer, she moved away, back into the crowd.

12nn

It was time to go, I kept telling myself. I had to go back to my grandpa since I promised lunch with them. She asked me if I had anything to do for the rest of the day. As always, when she asks me if I was busy, I said no. She invited us to her home, to a place that would take me further. I was tired and without sufficient cash, but what the hell.

The four of us took a trike out to the highway to find a taxi. As we did, she once again asked me how the service was.

As I said before, I said it was okay.

"oh…"

I looked far into the horizon, and said softly"but you made it beautiful, you made me believe."

"what?" she said.

"nothing." I let that one slip me by.

4:something pm. Somewhere in Rizal.

It has been hours since I promised my grandparents lunch.  She and I have barely talked since Church.  Out of nowhere, she asks if she could take a blood sample. Doing nothing, I agreed.

I never liked the idea of needles penetrating my skin. I knew it was gonna hurt, but I still agreed. I trusted her. If that is what needs to be done for her to trust me, then fine. I’m a willing guinea pig.

I closed my eyes as she placed a tourniquet around my arm and tried to think of something to take my mind of the procedure, as I always do.

I never told her that it hurt, but she was confident in what  she did. besides, I was a man. I had to keep it in.

4:something pm.

I went home, walking from her place to "Junction". Took the remainder of the money I had to take a jeep to where 7pesos got me, walking  the rest of the way to the MRT.

I made it back in one piece. well, save for one: I left my heart.

Lois and Ollie go into passed the back door to where the party was.

there were smiles in their faces, giggling as it may seem.

Ollie asks for a kiss, but Lois wouldn’t make it easy for him.

She sees a soda can and places it on top of a dumpster, paces away from where he was.

"hit it with your arrow, and you will have your kiss"

Ollie without hessitation, pulls back on the bow, pauses, and grins.

He lets fly the arrow, sure of its path and the target.

Lois half heartedly hopes it flies far and true

though The arrow lands high, paper thickness from the can.

She approaches Ollie and says "better luck next time" and leaves him for the party

He stays there, admiring what he has done.

The arrow indeed was true to its target.

But it was not the can he wanted.

A kiss so easy would not have been worth it…

It’s the day before enrollment. Its the day before the 1st day of class. Already, you hear things slowing down, before it all accelerates before you.
I’m Listening to "Just A Smile" by Barbie Alamalbis, there’s a bit of sentimentality over there for someone as you brace one’s self for another year. Another year, but, it would be my last, and indeed, my most special here, as a college student. It would be my last playing baseball, something I’ve started playing as a boy at the back of the Ateneo. It would be my last time to kidd myself i’m still a, well, a kid. Last time to be friends with people who, like me, simply don’t know what comes next. Last time to smell the roses and notice that the world, though at times a dark place, seems a beautiful picture to look at.. before everything else accelerates towards the horizon with such ferocity, barely noticing what has passed one by.
Already the rain is starting to fall. Summer is starting to fade and is slowly dying. But there’s no time to mourn that after the next sunrise. you just run as fast as you can, like everything and everyone else.
I once wrote about pushing the sun up, for one last time, to make the summer last a bit longer. I feel i’m alright now; I feel I can now move on.

Four years really isn’t that long… its just four times around the sun.

She’s the second lady that I know that was born with so many similarities with me. both are close to my heart, but one I treat as my sister. the other, someone who i’d want to share precious moments with.

She was born on the same month as I am, behind me only by a week. She and I are both Leos, proud, with a sense of nobility hidden there. Has passionate brown eyes that i would want to fall into.. a laugh that brightens my day, and a personality much like mine, but not quite. She is clumsy, clumsy that is endearing, I can’t help it but smile. She has stories about everything and about nothing, but I don’t really care… I love to hear her talk. She has a name which my heart beats to the sound of it, and makes it race, everytime I think of her. She is energetic, wanting to accomplish so much in such little time but at the same time, really tamad.

She thinks she’s a dork, I think she’s lovely.

She thinks she’s crazy, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

She thinks she’s different. I think more people should be like her.

She thinks she’s no good. I think she’s perfect the way she is.

She thinks she’s not meant for anyone. I think she’s staring at him.

I already miss her. i’m looking at my hand right now, and already, i miss the warmth of your hand. If only I didn’t let it go.

But hope, hope is what guides love. Hope that maybe the next day, I can see that smile again, look into her eyes, laugh at her all-to-corny jokes; and maybe someday, someday, not ever needing to let go of your hand.