Hymns from A Winged Archer

Hmm… death.. what will I do before, during, and after I die? ewan!!! hahahaha. Pero I don’t expect to live past 30. 34 at the most. I really dont want to die with a fat stomach, withering hair, sagging skin… I dont’ want to die old. I’, vain and im not sorry for it. Aside from the looks, they would say that 30 is an age to young to die. so much to accomplish, so much to do. But for me, the truth is that they are simply afraid to die. Sakin, ok lang kahit ngayon na; what will come will come. I feel I have lived long enough anyway. Just be sure my death is quick and painless. it is more bearable that way. If i found out that I had AIDS, i’d jump off a building. no fuss dude. I pretty much accomplished every damn thing I want anyway. (",)

Going to heaven or hell… hmmm… Don’t really believe in that sort of thing. there is just one constant that I believe in: Karma (all religions take this as their core). If I am to be reborn as something else, or to go to some sort of spiritual plane, I think I did alright. But whatever the outcome, im satisfied with what Iv’e become.

Asig sakin ang Sundayz. Its the favourite day of the week for me… I get to wake up late, around 1pm like today. Im a person who never sleeps for less than 9 hours a night, so i like sleeping long and with the aircon running high. (",) Sunday is also an opportunity to tone things down ( as if things wern’t down enuf). get my foot up on the desk and think of the most rediculous stuff.hehe, if your nice, I might share a few with you at a lobby sofa at the Shang hotel. But what I really love about Sundaez is that we have a family tradition which dates way back (and I want to keep on going): Having a spectacular Pasta Dinner, like one we had a while ago. It is olso the only time of the week where I let down my guard on what I eat. The pasta that we eat are usually sea-foods, red-souce (bolugnese, tama ba?), meat balls, carbonara, pesto cream and so many varieties more. the meal itself is usually accompanied by side dishes like a bucket of KFC or home grown buff wings, caesar salad, two bottles of lite coke, with double-dutch icecream for the finale’. the sides for me are not really needed; as long as the pasta is there, im a happy camper. just like tonite. ^-^ I love the pasta. My dad and my "mom" make the pasta together. alone on their own, they make midiocrety. together, they make magic (im not kidding) They make the best things in life together, and pasta is no exemtion. Maybe that’s their love; their magic so to say. Just as a story, once, they were so mad at each other, and even if they cooked together, their pasta sucked. Another time, we lacked so many ingridients, but they were able to improvise and stil make it into "perfecto". This is why it makes so much of a good tradition. ^-^ I will be honest… I take going to mass for granted. Really… you have to pull me out of bed to go there (sorry all ya’l opus deumz out there) but I feel it is all worth going to as long as when I arrive at home, there is pasta waiting for me. God… I love Sundays. (",)

I am writing this, not because I have anything so say (write) but because I am dead in the water, so ill just write whatever pops to my head.

On being alone: This can mean alot of things… I just broke up, informally, with my former GF for private reasons. I like to look at it that it was my fault, not hers. But it is so. It was neither. She was simply not for me, even if we wanted to salvage it. Some of those reasons boil down to approval. She didn’t get my parent’s. (parang baliktad no?) Attitudes, behaviour.. etc… It never fitted at any point. *Sigh*…. some occations, I did wish her back, only being at the back of my head, I know it would be impossible. loneliness can do that to you. But this loneliness pales in comparison to what I am feeling. besides… I am still young and it would be unlikely we would end up marrying each other. It is the emptiness of being left behind. I don’t know why, but I am feeling it. In so many ways I feel I am ahead of everyone, but why this? Labo no??? I know… I havn’t seen a good friend in almost… oh, wait, in a week. they would continue schooling while I go to work in a real job. hmm.. seems like I ain’t in my element. who knows..  In one of those first times, I miss the attention of people, coming from someone who usually avoids it. ngehehehe.. I know im not making any sense… I know (",)
On Painting…  : Im trying to paint something as a present for a friend. actually im already a few days late for her birthday. I havn’t painted in a while, but i will try to get the juices flowing. I remember the last time, I was at my 2nd year in HS. I was so inspired back then because I painted real good. now, it seems like im starting all over again and ill try to look for that one inspireation I can draw from. (",) anyways, thanks for sitting down with me, I have to go now, g’nite!

Grabe, just came back from Baguio man… not for the usual sight-seeing or golfing, but utterly pure negozio. 5 days of nothing but talking to clients and the related. Its not that bad actually… I get to have 3 square meals a day, fine meals at that. We were supposed to stay the whole time, dapat hangang tuesday late evening lang, at MIRADOR (a jesuit retreat house, 500 bucks a meal w/ 3 square meals a day, astig!!!! ganda garden pa) but ended up staying at a mansion in benguet owned by my dad’s friend. astig noh? Wait, before I go on, I would like to give praise where it it due: Ritto’s has the best bulalo in town (in the RP)!!!. eat there. its at engineer’s hill, beside LTO

Going back.. ang lakas ng ulan, grabe… I hated it when my dad asked me to go back and fetch his leather bag i the car… it was pouring, goddamit! hehehe. (",) ok lang actually.. its part of my job. plus, I get fringe benefits.

Oh, btw, I had fun one night there… we were in Starbucks at around 10pm. My dad was kinda holding council with his coleagues and the driver and I couldn’t make out a word they were talking about.. I was already hmm.. whats the word… taking refuge in my varsity jacket ; bummed out and about to fall asleep. when I spotted with my little eye, two females passing by my table, and taking  the seats right across to us. they were *sigh*… breathtaking, would be too small a word for them. I took curiosity in them, given the choice of meaningless converse with grown-ups (yes, im still a lad) or gazing into god’s handywork. I chose the latter. They took their coffee from the counter and they resumed talking to one another. I just couldnt help but stare (mga nakaw na tingin). Needless to say, one of them was eyeing me as well while my back was turned on them, according to my dad’s friend.  I guess I caught her… she caught me… we caught each other taking a glance at each other. I turned away as she did, but after I noticed how red her face had become. COOL!!! My heart raced and I had to take a second look… as I peeped, there she was already observing me. I looked down to my hands and smiled.. damn… she was still blushing. It became more of a game for me then… she was talking to her friend, still oblivious to whats really happening at the Starbucks. "Paradise could not last forever" and we had to leave.. their table was by the door and we had to pass by them. I wanted to get passed by them as quick as possible so I hurried. but , taghana ba naman, the group took the best place to have their goodbyes.. by the door, with me standing right beside her.. was it getting hot there or what?!?! Shet, I took my final glance at her, and there she was, waitong for me to look back… *Sigh*… I entered the car with this warm feeling and glow from her, and still looking back at them… I never got her name nor was I able to talk to her.. her number, etc.. nor was I able to say hello or say goodbye. all we did was exchange glances. But with all this, I am not saddened by the events that transpired. I will never forget her radiance nor her smile at me. and she will not forget mine that easily as well. Something tells me that it will not be the last time I will see her… Its a good thing I am still a torpe, even after all the relationships iv’e been in. See girls, im still a romantic!!! hahaha!!!

well, thats that with baguio, and cheers for Manila. (",)

Other events that happened or will happen this week….

My half-brother, Joey got hospitalized due to Amoeba in his blood. To tell you the truth, while talking on the phone (because we were in baguio), I was laughing at him for getting sick, even though I, as a Kuya, felt a great concern for his health. He is feeling alot better now… hehehe, now I can hit him again… hehehehhe

Justin will be arriving shortly from the States, sana may pasalubong sya sakin. He said that we should not over estimate the Americans. They are as dumb as rocks. HEHEHE, generally speaking. TAKE THAT, WHITE TRASH!!! Congratulations, Justin, you have done this family and country proud. welcome back though I wanted that you’ld be better off being TNT!!!

Hehehhe, I will now discuss to you my theory that I got while being absolutely bored while drinking beer with some buddies:

It is wrong that o single man is, should or would be attatched to a single woman. This is dictated by Adam Smith in the "Law of Supply and Demand". It is a fact that women outnumber men 3:1. By this instance, the logic is that Women run after the men and not the other way, as in current times, or that men are restricted to just a single wife, as in Christian unions. This is dictated by the fact that wem the men, are "prime meat" and should be fought over or to be shared with multiple women, according to the rules of economics.

then, how on Earth did we end up this way? two out of 3 schools of thought support my logic: the Rational and the Structural schools vs the cultural; and it is culture that should be blamed, specially religions.

DAMN!!! KULANG NA AKO SA INTERNET TIME, I’LL CONTINUE THIS NEXT TIME, TC

It seems that it is karma that is drawing me back to where I grew up: at a capis windowed house  with a little patch of heaven as a garden. After two years in Mandaluyong, im tired of commutting the LRT and the MRT. im tired of, for two years, seeing my neighbors at the condo but not actually knowing them. Tired of sorts like that. But don’t get me wrong, I like the fact that the pool is downstairs lang, and that I can be in Makati in a few minutes; practically almost anywhere good at that fact. all except home. *sigh* saying all this, makes me not want to leave the condo. Pinalaki nga akong tamad, hehehhehe. I said alot of times that I was going back to Quezon City, but this time its for sure. Hey, at least I can be back at good ol’ Katipunan and see my friends. I finally get to see my cats and turn on the aircon for long periods at a time. Did I mention we couldn’t pay the damn bill on time here in Mandaluyong because they are so bloody high?! almost 3X the bill we had at QC.

Going back to my roots… I guess im not really cut uot to be a lasallista. first, I don’t have the cash; second, I cant take the distance (no car ^-^), lastly, I don’t blend well with such people. with my withdrawal back to QC, im no longer going to study in DLSU. (seriously, its not that I failed in my grades… ) Im looking at UP as my next home and that is where my family, at least my mother’s side, took it’s roots from. I’ll at least be making homage to my mom and my grandparents. It will be a crazy new start for me, another image change? ^-^ who knows… But hey, im not ungrateful to DLSU. I have alot to thank for in my short stay there…. friends, experiences and knowledge, and all that sort. For friends, I found out that they are a mixed bunch actually. Some that you can bank on for life, others still so that you can bank only to pay for lunch. ^-^ Others still,  found out that there are people that, no matter how much 2nd chances you give, they will fail you time and time again, no matter what. ^-^

Shet… what a big step for me to take in one month… lipat bahay for the 3rd time in 2 years, change of school, and hopefully, a change of self. weird ko no? ^-^ anywayz, I got to go, thanks for reading, ill make more just for you. ^-^

Damn, Ang init ng panahon, grabe.. buti nalang nanjan ang sinehan at malamig doon kahit paano. Yesterday was mother’s day and I spent it sa movie house jan sa Robinson’s Pioneer. Grabe, konti lang ang taong nanunood doon plus ang lakas pa ng Aircon, man!!! Astig ang "kingdom of Heaven". You can really see the unvailing of the stereotypes about Chritianity and of Islam. Christianity ain’t as good as you see it to be. it is dirty (at least then, still think until now), wicked, evil selfish. "it is not a sin to kill an infidel"-a priest. Godddammit! On the other side, you see the muslims, who are thought of as barbarians, as noble, calculating and (more) civil. Putting all biases aside, I guess if God really permitted the Holy war(s), then it is really a battle of favouritisms. God wants to find out who "loves" him more. Then he is not God to make his two children fight for more attention; then "we need not worry about hell".  If there is no God, it would simply be a battle of man vs. man, not over Virtue or salvation, but of wealth and of power.

Going back, after the movie, i met u with my family in Greenbelt for the Sunday mass. as usual, there were many absolutely gorgeous women out there. and while in the mass, I noticed this very fine lady, about in her late twenties, with a maid and a trolly with a baby. Damn, was she hot! (happy mother’s day) my brother then told me not to pay attention to her since she was already taken and that we should spot "younger" foliage, even when there was none. As I said no, my young brother asked why. I told him that "what would be more acceptable: paying more attention to something pretty and beautiful or at somthing ugly and ungainly". Since we were at a Mass, I related God to the subject matter: God made beautiful things and life to be viewed with awe. I am simply viewing what God wants me to view. "would you want to pay more attention to shit than her?", I asked. "no, but she is married!" he said. I simply replied that" then she shouldn’t have took the time and effort to look so damn hot for me tonight." ^-^

In truth, I wouldn’t mind my GF (if I ever have one again) would be so hot that everyone would take a glance at her. It means I have chosen well (and so did she!!!). I no longer have a problem with trust with my partners, not like before. "If I am as easily replacable as they think, then so are they". that is the only constant thing for me, that is why I trust them ^-^ That is why TO ALL YOU HOT MOMMAS OUT THERE, KEEP ON LOOKING SEXY FOR ME, BWAHAHAHHAHA, Happy mother’s day

wow, its already May. for many, its school just at the corner.  For the rest of the people wearing the green and white, its on the 23rd. me? ayoko pa. gusto ko mag LOA. pasok ako this september nalang. I want to feel what it is like to have a birthday without studying for the exams, you know? (its on the 14th of August btw; exam week) Speaking of birthdays, I have two people who I have to, who I want to give something to on their kaarawan. The first one, my kuya, ayusin ko nalang siguro ung skateboard nya na sinira ko. the second one, mahirap bilhin ng regalo. the person has everything that I can give, and what the person wants is too far out of my reach. damn, all I can buy now adays are fakes in Marikina, Greenhills. come to think of it, she hates fakes and sayang pa pera ko nun. hmm… maybe an original art work nalang siguro. bahala na.

going back, this summer has been a blast. My first experience having a job, not all I expected, but ok; been swimming day in and day out ^-^ I have a nice body na rin!!! yehey!!! made new friends and found old ones. Broke up twice, but I dont care, not as if im gonna get married anytime soon. wow, what a summer… simple but… what a summer…

Do I miss my classmates, school and friends? maybe im saying this now, but not my classmates. I see their bloody faces almost on a daily basis when their is school. I miss baseball and working out as a team. but I do miss my friends that are not from DLSU. yep, quite a number of them.

Did I tell you that im plastic when it comes to college? I am. And im only my most"real" when im with my friends from HS. I dont’ know but I feel forced to maintain whatever the think of me in college. they kinda think somewhat highly of me because of what I am not. they think that im smart, rational, conyo, serious… sosyal. things that im not comfortable to be. with my friends, its ok for me to act more human: to act weird, funny (gago), romantic, idiotic, playful, CHEAP ,torpe(hehehe). My guess is, I think Im doing all this in college because I have more to lose if I act myself. I need to be ahead of the pack if I want to be somewhere. In highschool, it was not as high-stakes as it is right now, I rekon. But I dont like the way I have turned out to be. I dont have the freedom to be myself. *sigh* maybe that is why I want to have an LOA.. I need time to be more of myself. Oh well, that is it for tonite. (",) bye

Astig kanina. whenever I go to the computer shop, I pass this house, right in front of the condo. tonite was no exemption. though they are rather poor (they get their income from trike fares and a sari-sari store) but I count them as the coolest family and nicest one I’ve ever met. they are cool because they keep alot of pets around their house. they have around 3 dogs, 4 puppies, 4 cats and a kitten. they are nice because they treat them like family. they eat breakfast, lunch and dinner at the sametime with the animals. the dogs are well kept and are very clean, though being mongrels. I see them taking baths regularly, when I pass by. the kids have more fun with the animals as playmates rather than stare at the TV. they hug them and feed them well. the puppies and the kittens also have their place in the household. they have their own pens and are given great attention. these guys are great with animals. super nice sila unlike some people who take pets for granted. they abuse them, starve them, hurt them. yet still, the animals have their loyalty. Inggit nga ako, actually. I miss my cats at home…

(Sigh)….

guess what… I’ve met someone on itzamatch, a girl, who also is a political science student. She’s nice and kinda smart (UP kasi eh… ) I dont have much of a problem with her actually, I just dont agree with the fact that she is kinda resigned to the fact that she could not change the direction, as an individual, this country is heading. I do understand her point, but still… I believe it is in that sort of thinking that our country is heading that way. I was brought up that one can take any ordinary man and make him do extra ordinary things for the for the country… one does not have to be in a position of power in government to create change. one simply undermines the power of an individual, i believe. as long as you do your part, even if it goes unseen, it does not go unnoticed. every step done by an individual for the greater good, creates ripples among those people around you. and surely, they would do the same. ofcourse, im an idealist and people would say that is simply impossible. but this country was founded on people’s ideals. and the time we forget those is the time our country will truely fail. maybe, but the question thus becomes what have you done for your country and for your people? more than to complain or to shout out your disregard? have you done anything to change that? after all, politics is not like basketball where there are the players where we are meer spectators, cheering or jeering. We all must do our part, even as individuals. we’re all in this. I just hope when im called to do my part, I dont fail my own expectations.