Hymns from A Winged Archer

You’re in my arms
And all the world is calm
The music playing on for only two
So close together
And when I’m with you
So close to feeling alive

A life goes by
Romantic dreams will stop
So I bid mine goodbye and never knew
So close was waiting, waiting here with you
And now forever I know
All that I wanted to hold you
So close

So close to reaching that famous happy end
Almost believing this was not pretend
And now you’re beside me and look how far we’ve come
So far we are so close

How could I face the faceless days
If I should lose you now?
We’re so close
To reaching that famous happy end
And almost believing this was not pretend
Let’s go on dreaming for we know we are
So close
So close
And still so far

Mea Culpa. I broke your heart.
Mea Culpa. You Broke mine.
Mea Culpa. Im trying to recover.
Mea Culpa. I found love again.
Mea Culpa. I feel guilty.
Mea Culpa. I find her charming.
Mea Culpa. Im moving to quicky.
Mea Culpa. I forgot about everything I had to do.
Mea Culpa. I forgot what she had to do.
Mea Culpa. Im confused.
Mea Culpa. If this goes wrong.
Mea Culpa. I’ve lost friends in the process.
Mea Culpa. I have nothing left but an old tarnished heart to offer.
Mea Culpa. Im not making any sense.
Mea Culpa. Im not waiting for tomorrow.
Mea Culpa. Im taking a risk, taking a chance.
Mea Culpa. I love you.

There is a small woodedn box hidden in my room. It is no bigger than a mobile phone charger, brown in color, with a painting of Chagall on the lid of the box. Small and hidden it may seem, it contains precious memories of who I was at my truest youth.

[Actual Words and spelling.]

"I know you work hard for everything… so I know naman na you are nice, ang galing mag drawing, etc. It was nice meeting you."
-Kay Martin

"Pre! Don’t change, pare! Salamat sa lahat!"
-Reggie Marasigan

"I think you should be less noisy and more productive because I can see you’re not living up to your capacity. You should also give education more priority… Thanks for everything."
-Your Friend, Ronel

"…Thank you… and sori.. if I hurted your feelings in any way… I know you will find the gorl for you… I hope we can be good friends."
-Jessica Shin

"… A little advice: If you really love this girl, respect her decision."
-Cess

"You are a strong person, Raf..."
-Jasmine

"the good thing about you is that you are mabait, Friendly and funny. The bad is you are makulit and mayabang."
-Mik A.

"Never thought ur a sensible kausap.. hehe. at least, dibuh.. Kala ko kasi dati yabang kah or somethin’ e.. Ur a nice guy naman pala.. kahit deny mo religion moh.. hehe :)"
-Audz Reyes

"Taghana ba naman.."
-Julie

"I ate mango crepe this morning so in terms of happiness, I am indeed happy. Plus, I had a chocolate bar and that made me even happier. I’ve noticed that you’re kinda been quiet lately. Is anything wrong? Anything I can perhaps help you with? Yan. Nahuli ka nanaman ni Mrs. Tolosa. You should have seen yourself. You looked funny."
-Veronica King

"~Ok, pero di kaya ako masyadong mababa for her taste? Like im down here, she’z up there?

~Mahirap eh. Its not that easy enimor pag malyo na un chairs. I do hope naman that I can, but, I don’t want to butt in. You know what I’m getting at naman. bad ang mag interrupt.

~Yah.. but the thing is.. the chair in front of me is often unoccupied.. hayaan mo.. ako gagawa ng paraan.. the question is, do you want to be w/ her sa Prom night?

~DATI PA. Eh.. wil she? T.C.

~That’s one of the things you want to know. Kia nga ask her eh.. dibuh?"
-Correspondence, Raffy and Audz R.

"Raffy.. Yes"
-Veronica King

Before we parted last week, I felt a Kind of peace that I couldn’t explain. Words may fail me.

The one essential thing is that we strive to have light in ourselves.
Our strivings will be recognized by others, and when people have
light in themselves, it will shine out from them. Then we get to know
each other as we walk together in the darkness not needing to pass
our hands over each other’s faces, or to intrude into each other’s hearts.
-Albert Schwertzer

-Salutations Distingues, Veronica

    I put back the lid on top of the tiny treasure chest of memories, of trials and failures, of aquaintances and old friendships, of smiles and heartaches, of who I was and who I will never be again.
   though Yearning for the past, to be pure and unpretentious, even if knowing that day will never come, we keep a box that can never be closed. its called the future.

"Happiness is the risk of attatchment, a gamble, pursued  through means of power, or the utter lack of it."

I’ve been trying to add a  post here  on my blog, around two weeks, about my time in Embassy, a heart ache, a philosophy on mortality, purpose and happiness. For two weeks now… all that eclipsed by what happened tonight…

I was about to leave my grandpa’s place over at project 6, it was already 10pm. I remembered that my aunt from the States, my mom’s younger sister, just arrived a week ago. I opted to stay a bit longer to wait for her. The lights were already closed but there was light peering thru the windows. The doorbell rang, and I hid behind the door, knowing that was her. I haven’t seen her for about 7 years now, not quite sure what she looks like anymore.

The door opened and I tapped my hand on her shoulder, not knowing i was there. She turned around and I saw her.

In the dark,

in the long absence,

she was my mom.

I regained composure and gave her a hug.

She would’ve been my mom’s age when I was eight…

her skin was as clear as her’s.

her voice,

her smile,

her hair.

everything.

I consider my self a rational being; more calculating than most… But i would have cried in that moment.

I miss her.

I envy her daughter.

I envy everyone’ sons and daughters of a mother.

I excused myself and went for the gate to go home. She went with me since she had the key to unlock it.

"I missed you so much!"

"I missed you too", I said…

"You are still a little baby boy to me, always will!"

Touched me as if my mom said it.

My birthday is still a few days from now… I already got what I wished for. A bit of sentimentality and finally able to shed a tear for her.

Say Au Revior, But not goodbye
For parting brings a bitter sigh.
The Past is gone though mem’ry brings
One clinging thought, the Future lives.

Our duty first, love must not lead,
for what had been, had fate decreed
twee’r better far, had we not met,
I loved you then, I’ll love you yet.

This one goodbye must be our last.
The word is spoke, the die is cast.
Yet still my heart, throbs wild with pain.
And tho we ne’er, shal’t meet again?

"Leaving On A Jet Plane"

All my bags are packed, I’m ready to go
I’m standin’ here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye

But the dawn is breakin’, it’s early morn
The taxi’s waitin’, he’s blowin’ his horn
Already I’m so lonesome I could die

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you’ll wait for me
Hold me like you’ll never let me go

‘Cause I’m leaving on a jet plane
I don’t know when I’ll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go

There’s so many times I’ve let you down
So many times I’ve played around
I’ll tell you now, they don’t mean a thing

Every place I go, I think of you
Every song I sing, I sing for you
When I come back I’ll wear your wedding ring

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you’ll wait for me
Hold me like you’ll never let me go

‘Cause I’m leaving on a jet plane
I don’t know when I’ll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go

Now the time has come to leave you
One more time, oh, let me kiss you
And close your eyes and I’ll be on my way

Dream about the days to come
When I won’t have to leave alone
About the times that I won’t have to say …

Oh, kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you’ll wait for me
Hold me like you’ll never let me go

‘Cause I’m leaving on a jet plane
I don’t know when I’ll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go

And I’m leaving on a jet plane
I don’t know when I’ll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go

But I’m leaving on a jet plane

Leaving on a jet plane

Leaving on a jet plane
(Ah ah ah ah)
Leaving on a jet plane

Leaving on a jet plane

Leaving on a jet plane

Leaving on a jet plane

Leaving on a jet plane

(Leaving) On a jet plane

Coffee last night and the morning after has made me weak. It was raining as I entered DLSU. Feeling emo and looking like shit, I didn’t know what to do. I kept guard on my cellphone, hoping by some grace of God almighty…. *Sigh*

I received messages from her. She said she’s leaving. I told her wish you didn’t have to tell me; that she was cruel enough to tell me in my face. I was already Broken… She found another way of crushing my spirit.

I almost wept while reading her texts; my seat mates keeping distance from me, from the way I was texting.

I asked her to stop messaging me anymore because it was breaking me apart.
There was nothing else for me to do….

Eros has the wings of an Eagle, and the eyes of a true archer….. How I loath him.

To kill him, strip of his wings so he could no fly in his dreams…

Gouge out his eyes so he could no longer see the truth…

tell him lies and deceit that he may not know the difference…

Gag him so he may no longer speak of passion and beauty…

Cut off his hands so that he could no longer feel…

Break his quills that he may no longer have purpose…

And when he is all but dead,

Crush his heart by whispering "I love you"…

Then you would have killed him.

Nice guys finish last. I hate movies like Sleepless in Seatle and The Lake House. The nice guys always finish last…. Fucking story of my life… Is it because I care to much? Should I be more selfish to me?! Why can’t I get this one right, despite the fact of doing every goddamn thing correct?! Let me rant.

5th time since this summer… I don’t get women…

Estelle says that i’m not really that much of a nice guy… that’s because I never courted her. If only she knew what kind of effort I place, she’d know that I would do almost anything for the girl, and everything that mattered. Story of my life.